spit it up again. I swallow your heart and it crawls
right out of my mouth.
You swallow my heart and flee, but I want it back now, baby. I want it back."
The name's Marissa. This blog is filled to the brim with all of the words I can't find the courage to say. By reading it, you already know more about me than everyone I know and love.
8 Ways To Say I Love You
1. Spit it into her voicemail, a little slurred and sounding like the shot whiskey you downed for courage. Feel as ashamed as you do walking into work in last night’s clothes. Wake up cringing for days, waiting for her to mention it.
2. Sigh it into her mouth, wedged in between teeth and tongues. Don’t even let your lips move when you say it, ever so lightly, into the air. Maybe it was just an exhalation of ecstasy.
3. Buy her flowers. Buy her chocolate. Buy her a teddy bear, because that’s what every romantic comedy has taught you. Take her out to a nice restaurant where neither of you feel comfortable and spend the whole night clearing your throat and tugging at your tie. Feel like your actions are more suited to a proposal than the simple confession of something you’ve always known.
4. Whisper it into her hair in the middle of the night, after you’ve counted the space between her breaths and are certain she’s asleep. Shut your eyes quickly when she shifts toward you in askance. Maybe you were just sleep whispering.
5. Blurt it out in the middle of an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, as clumsy as your two left feet. When time seems to freeze, hastily tack on “in that shirt” or “when you make your award-winning meatballs” or, if you are feeling particularly brave, “when we do this.” Resume dancing and pretend you don’t feel her eyes on you the rest of the night.
6. Write her a letter in which the amount of circumnavigating and angst could rival Mr. Darcy’s. Debate where to leave it all day – on her pillow? In her coat pocket? Throw it away in frustration, conveniently leaving it face up in the trashcan, her name scrawled on the front in your sloppy handwriting. Let her wonder if you meant it.
7. Wait until something terrible has happened and you can’t not tell her anymore. Wait until she almost gets hit by a car crossing Wabash against the light and after you are done cursing at the shit-for-brains cab drivers in this city, realize you are actually just terrified of living without her. Tell her with your hands shaking.
8. Say it deliberately, your tongue a springboard for every syllable. Over coffee, brushing your teeth side-by-side, as you turn off the light to go to sleep – it doesn’t matter where. Do not adorn it with extra words like “I think” or “I might.” Do not sigh heavily as if admitting it were a burden instead of the most joyous thing you’ve ever done. Look her in the eyes and pray, heart thumping wildly, that she will turn to you and say, “I love you too.”"
and one day we were out at one of the many picnics and i was eating a cherry and i was knotting stems with my tongue and i almost choked when i saw her with the boy who would be prince because he was a fucking stunner and he brought a smile to her lips and all i could think was oh no oh no and in the late late night she and i went out into the rose thickets and she picked a white one and put it in my hair and i said, “do you love him” and she couldn’t answer she couldn’t
and her hips were like the rolling ocean and her throat was the white of the moon and her eyes were the blue of skies right at the height of noon and her lips always held onto words like they were poison and when she read my poetry it always felt like i was being touched all over my body and when she sang for me i forgot all my sorrow and we were two colliding star systems with no friction to stop us and goddamn she was like loveliness personified.
and the days ticked by and before he proposed to her he came to me and frowned and said, “i don’t know what she’d like for a ring.” and i said, “it figures” and i probably should have been shot but i helped him pick out something i would have been proud for her to wear and i went to her room that night and said, “are you real?” and she said “as can be” and when i kissed her i couldn’t stop shaking.
loving her was loving the way the world turns and loving sunrises and loving her was loving harder each and every day, loving her was loving a wild animal. it was loving an open wound."